Over Thai dinner before our karaoke outing with other boot campers, my bootcamp instructor locked eyes with me, and said,
"If you ever need reminding of how awesome you are, just let me know. I will always be here to remind you."
It was said with the same intensity in which she pushed me and my fellow boot campers when we were struggling with that final sit-up, burpee, or just talking too much instead of working out (!).
A WEEK EARLIER...
Over Indian lunch with my bootcamp class, the almost-cool fall breeze was lightly lingering, "What's going on, kiddo?" my bootcamp instructor inquired with a note of concern in her voice.
I tried to hide what was going on with me by avoiding eye contact throughout class earlier. My logic was if I just avoided what was happening, it would eventually go away. I knew perfectly well, it wouldn't. I was in the AVOIDANCE phase of the AVOIDANCE ->SURVIVAL -> GROWTH paradigm.
"Well...it's just my book. I am terrified that no one will buy it... I guess I feel paralyzed by fear."
On the one hand it was such a relief to blurt everything out to these women I deeply respected, but then I worried what they would think of me and what I had just blurted out. I was doubly relieved when a barrage of concerned and thoughtful suggestions came flowing out like the fall breeze:
"You could hire a graphic designer for your book cover..."
"Don't worry, you have us! We will buy your book!"
"Have you had anyone read a draft? I am happy to buy one and read it!"
"It's just a small obstacle, you can overcome it!"
"If you just change one person's life, if just one person reads your book, and has their life changed then you've done something..."
Everything they were saying was true. It was hard to believe that I had just sort of started bootcamp on a whim the previous year, but each week, I grew closer to these women. One woman even began bringing me back little gifts with "HAPPY" on them whenever she came back from the U.S. Other women would make sure I had a ride (as I was the only one without a car), check in on me when I wasn't at bootcamp, and were just super supportive of my burgeoning coaching business.
Back at the Thai restaurant, "Coaches need coaches. I see how you are with everyone, Kyla. You give so much," my own bootcamp COACH continued. Hearing her say that, and looking into her deeply concerned eyes, made me want to cry. I truly respected her so much--not just as a coach, but as a woman, former marine corps vet, mother, wife, and all-around human-being.
BELONGING, MATTERING, AND SAFETY
I recently read the book Power Your Tribe. 3 things the author mentions that every corporate tribe needs to thrive: belonging, mattering, and safety. These past few weeks, I have felt deeply that these 3 things could extend to any community--corporate or not. Without belonging, mattering, and safety, we can't reveal our true selves.
After one of my Happiness Workshops last week, as we went around sharing our true selves, one of the participants found a mentor in another participant: they were both minorities in some way. Later I heard they exchanged stories at Dunkin' Donuts. If they had never felt comfortable enough to reveal their true selves, they would have never found belonging, mattering and safety with each other and the community of our workshop.
Research shows that when we carry around emotional burdens, they become physical burdens. I get it. During one of my workshops, I had revealed many of my own emotional burdens to the workshop participants. After that particular workshop, there was a line of people just waiting to reveal theirs to me: PTSD from surviving a car accident, a rape survivor, a parent's death, and the list goes on.
It is no wonder that participants in that research on emotional burdens -> physical burdens, would look at a hill and think it is steeper than it really is when they were carrying around heavy emotional burdens.
THE SECRET (TO LIVING LONGER)
Turns out, it ain't good air quality and exercise. In her TED Talk, Susan Pinker talks about the top two predictors of longevity: 1) Social Integration and 2) Close relationships. Social integration is all about the quality of the relationships you have throughout your day: Made me think about my fruit lady who makes her husband deliver my fruit and always gives me free ripened bananas knowing I use them to bake; or the guy who works at the glasses shop who gives me free contact lenses whenever I buy a box or two. Close relationships pertain to the people you can call when you're in a pinch: I immediately thought of how a friend of mine was in a pinch in the U.S. a few months ago, and I called one of the amazing ladies from my community who immediately came to our aid.
"If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together."
I am a huge fan of Shola Richards. He is a fellow overcomer of workplace bullying. He just came out with his second book Go Together. He talks about this concept of Ubuntu in his book: there's a legend of these kids in an African village. A man tells them that when he says "GO!" they will all run towards the tree where he has candy hanging (think piñata but more rustic style). Legend has it, the kids didn't try to out run each other, but instead, they ran TOGETHER holding hands. When questioned by the man, the kids said that it wouldn't be the same if one kid got all the candy.
In this world that is increasingly divisive, I am that much more grateful to be part of a community that embraces this concept of UBUNTU.
At another bootcamp lunch, I was talking to two newcomers:
"This community of women is truly exceptional. They are mothers, wives, daughters; they are talented and gifted fementrepreneurs; they give back to their communities, they donate. And some of the humblest, most generous giving women I have ever come across. All in one community."
*Dedicated to + Inspired by my Songdo Sisters: Thank you for supporting me, encouraging me, being my mirrors. I am eternally grateful to be a part of this incredible UBUNTU community.*